For many people, college is a time of freedom, non-stop partying and getting the education required to pursue their dreams. While that is true, college is also a chance to develop more as a person. Aside from having a lot more freedom than you would at home, you also need to know how to use that freedom wisely.
The decisions you make in this time will determine the course of your life as well as who you are as an individual. At some point in the next four years of their lives, college students should take some time to reflect and ask themselves a simple question: who am I?
I’ve had the fortune— and misfortune— of going on such a journey throughout my freshman year. When I first started at Cabrini, I was very shy and afraid. I was stepping into a new environment with new responsibilities, surrounded by people I didn’t know.
I had not felt so alone since my first years of middle school. I was so desperate to find new friends that I decided to try and interact with the people in my Living and Learning Community. I was going to be living with them throughout the year anyway, so why not.
However, it didn’t go as well as I hoped. A bunch of them constantly questioned me because of my differences and interests to the point where they rejected me. As a result, I became increasingly afraid and paranoid.
For months, I questioned myself, blamed myself, hated those who wronged me and was too afraid to talk to anyone I didn’t know or trust out of fear of being rejected and manipulated. As a result, I spent my time in my dorm room doing homework, watching movies and listening to music on my speaker. I also went to the movies and the mall frequently to escape, but it didn’t help as much as I hoped because the joy was temporary.
Soon I realized that the pain was still there because I was too afraid. I had gone out of my way to please the people who didn’t care and fear got the best of me. I had to fight it and take a stand. If I didn’t, the pain would only get worse and eventually consume me.
For starters, I signed up for Active Minds and House Crew so I could try new things and meet new people. I also attended a lot of CAP Board events and met some great people that I’m proud to call my friends. They brought me out of my shell and showed me kindness, compassion and humanity when others wouldn’t.
However, my true inspiration to take a stand came to me over spring break. One night, I saw the movie “Logan” with my sister and it changed my life forever. The movie introduced thought-provoking and heartfelt themes that had me crying my eyes out, especially at the end.
“Logan” also taught me that even in the worst of times, there’s always something worth fighting for. From that day forward, I realized that it was time to overcome my fears and step into the light.
Later, I heard about CAP Board’s open mic night and when I heard what it was about, something happened. An idea popped into my head; an idea that felt so great that I had to follow through. I decided to give a speech about how people should embrace their differences and be who they are no matter what other people think.
It was something worth fighting for and I was tired of living in the shadows. I had never felt so proud to give a speech in my life. For the first time since I set foot on campus, I began to feel like myself again.
From that day forward, I began to feel more confident in myself both academically, socially and spiritually. I had realized that I was capable of a lot more than I thought and all I needed to do was believe in myself and hang out with the right people. Because of this, I participated more in my classes, opened myself up to my friends, bonded with them and began to feel happy again.
“Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2” was also a huge reminder of my year. Like the Guardians, I was constantly searching for a way to end the pain that was eating me up inside. It turns out, I was looking way too hard for the solution. To quote Peter Quill: “Sometimes, that thing you’re searching for your whole life is right there by your side all along and you didn’t even know it.”
While my freshman year had a lot of struggles, it was very enlightening and there were some great things that came out of it. I made some fantastic friends, made good academic progress, gained much-needed experience, saw fantastic and thought-provoking movies that inspired me and, above all, I developed a better understanding of who I am.
Now I feel braver, wiser and stronger than I ever did before. I still have a lot to learn and more challenges to face in the next three years, but now, I’m not afraid to take them on. I have a lot to look forward to next year but what I’m looking forward to the most is writing for The Loquitur, and developing my skills as a journalist and a writer.
Finding yourself in college is never easy. There will be bumps along the way, but in the end, it’s always worth it. For years, I’ve wondered who I was. Now I’m beginning to see who I truly am, and I won’t rest until I’ve made that discovery.
