Chicago Tribune/MCTBritney Spears will be the opening act for the 2007 MTV Video Music Awards. When I first heard this news I nearly had a heart attack but a good one. I was anxious.
I couldn’t help but dream about Britney’s past VMA performances that have left lasting impressions on the music industry. Who could ever forget her see-through body suit or her sexy snake dance or even her lip lock with fellow celebrity has-been Madonna? I know I couldn’t.
I had high hopes for this year’s VMA performance.
The night of the VMA’s, I was attending a VMA party at a friend’s. I had ten minutes to get from Cabrini to Drexel Hill and I was going to make it. There was no way I was going to miss Britney Spears’ return performance. I went through red lights, I ran stop signs; I even changed lanes without signaling! But in the end, I made it at 8:59 p.m. just in time for Britney’s return.
I quickly learned that I risked my life for absolutely nothing. The second Britney’s lip-synching track hit, I had a feeling this would be a disaster. I don’t even think disaster is the word to describe this performance. Train wreck seems more appropriate.
To fully appreciate the sheer crappiness of this performance, I’ll describe in detail.
We begin with a shot of Britney’s wig, which clearly wasn’t put on correctly. The unkempt, fake locks of hair bob to the stripper-esque beat of her music. She turns her head to reveal a disturbing pair of blue contacts.
“You lookin’ for trouble?” Spears asks the audience. Well if they aren’t, they’re going to get it.
The camera pans out to reveal Spears, who is apparently in an outfit made for a Fredrick’s of Hollywood fashion show. I was expecting Britney to wear something revealing, but not her panties.
The former Mrs. Federline is still carrying some pregnancy and beer weight. Doesn’t this woman have a stylist to suggest clothing for her? If not, she should invest in one.
Her inappropriate outfit was the least of her troubles. She begins to go into a dance move, but changes her mind and stumbles around pretending to giggle. Her female dancers then surround her and begin groping her. I think this choreography was stolen from a lesbian porno.
One of her leather clad wenches aids Spears to the higher platform where she shakes her na-na’s and beer belly like she’s auditioning for the Foxxxy Lady Strip Club. She then attempts to keep up with her back up dancers and definitely does a B.O. sniff check during it.
The chorus of the song hits as she pelvic thrusts the crap out of herself. Her male dancers enter the stage and no, K-Fed was not one of them this evening. Spears then walks over to one of the boys and grabs the crotch of another. Classy gal.
Just when you thought this couldn’t get any more obscene, Britney grabs one of her male back up dancers and begins straddling him. They finish their live sex scene with a gentle goodbye grope to Britney’s breasts.
The wordless part of the song hits as Britney performs the truffle shuffle in front of the sold out VMA audience. Following that lovely display she falls back into the arms of her dancers, who awkwardly go to hoist her up but then change their minds. My guess is that Brit let one rip and they didn’t want to be around it anymore.
Scantily clad women on poles are lowered from the ceiling in front of Hollywood’s finest. 50 Cent looks around like he’s in the ghetto again. Rihanna is laughing in the dancers’ faces.
The dancers try to salvage whatever they can of this abomination but their attempts are worthless now. “I just want more,” Spears says at the end of the song.
Mercifully, it’s over. The audience delivers an awkward applause and looks around attempting to ignore the tragedy that just occurred.
Britney, I’m appalled. I risked my life, along with the lives of four others, to rush to see you and this is what I’m presented with.
This is a disgrace, Britney. You’d better hope to get lucky again soon, because this fan does NOT want you to “gimme more.”
