My two closest friends: Anxiety and Depression

I’m coming up on my 22nd year and for at least five years now, anxiety and depression have been a huge part of my life. Although I have a deep hatred for the two, I also have a great appreciation for them because they have made me who I am today.

Just because someone looks happy, doesn’t mean they are. They could be fighting an internal battle that you know nothing about and that is why I try my hardest to treat everyone with kindness and empathy. I know what it is like to struggle with anxiety, depression and panic episodes and I know that none of them are fun or easy to deal with.

Depression does not have a face. It is not necessarily something that you can see in someone directly because it lives inside of them. One of the best examples that has circulated on social media since 2014 is that of Robin Williams. A beloved American actor and comic, almost no one knew he struggled deeply with depression and addiction. Williams took his own life and so many people, including myself, were in denial because he seemed like such a happy man.

I will never forget the first time I knew I was having a panic attack. For the first time in my life, I truly felt like I could not breathe. My chest felt tight. I kept trying to take deep breaths like I do when I am stressed out but my body would not listen to me. I started to sweat, I started to shake and I started to cry. I remember being frustrated. I remember being scared and thinking, “What is wrong with me?”

This panic attack was not brought on by ANYTHING. I was getting ready for work and the feeling of intense worry rushed over me- it was only a few minutes before I fell into a full meltdown and screamed for my mom. I remember my mom being really freaked out, seeing me curled up on my floor screaming and crying like a toddler. To her, it looked like I was being dramatic and in total control of my actions but to me, the world was crumbling before my eyes and I was out of control. To this day, I have no idea why this panic episode ensued.

To make a long story short, I was referred to a behavioral therapist who got me set up with a therapist and prescribed me . Zoloft has completely changed my life and while taking a pill every day to make sure I’m a-okay isn’t my favorite thing about myself, I am happy that Zoloft is a part of my life now. I still have panic attacks, I still get anxiety and I still get depressed- but it all comes in waves and is easier to manage. The few panic attacks I endure on Zoloft are nothing in comparison to the episodes I had before seeing a doctor.

Just because I am on Zoloft does not mean that my life is easy-peasy. Simple things like getting out of bed everyday are still a struggle for me. So many things in my life still trigger anxiety, depression and panic attacks but I have found coping mechanisms and introduced new mindsets to myself that help me feel better.

It is so important to remember that not everyone has the same coping mechanisms and what works for your friend may not work for you. It is totally okay not to feel joy for things that people think should bring you joy. You have to figure out for yourself what brings you joy. For me, joy is:

• My dog and my cat
• Sitting on the beach and listening to the waves
• Belting out the lyrics to my favorite song in the car
• Putting on a cute outfit and makeup
• Dancing with my girlfriends
• A warm, sunny day
• Nature
• My hometown in Delaware