`80s writes year-end review; people read it

By Mike Butler
December 7, 2000

Since this is the last Loquitur of the year 2000, I am required by unnatural law to write a year-end review. I’ll make this quick, or as quick as I get in terms of writing.

Y2K came and went with a whimper. Armageddon did not come, but our recent presidential election debacle does suggest that we shouldn’t tear down our survival shelters. Although the US Senate and the House make the laws in this country, it’s the president who has that bright, shiny red button in his office marked “NUKE.” So if anyone ever tells you that the office of the President of the United States is overrated, refer them to the button that can melt you where you stand.

On Cabrini’s campus, we went from one war to another with a summer seperating them. In the spring, there was the housing crisis where it seemed that seniors were going to get screwed out of housing for next year. Harsh words were exchanged, but in the end the seniors got their housing as stated in an agreement they signed when they enrolled as freshmen.

Then came the September War between our new administration, led by the puppetmaster President Iadarola who mandated new regulations and decreed their immediate enforcement by the new, Iadarola-selected Vice President of Student Development Dr. Laura Valente and the now departing head of the revamped Residence Life Laurie Keenan-McGarvey. They were dark days, but a tentative peace accord was reached in October through meetings and tranquility returned to the campus.

The New York Yankees won the World Series again, this time by shelling out the gross national product of Cameroon to buy another championship.

There were the Summer Olympics, which I missed. And there was WrestleMania 2000, which I watched.

“Beverly Hills 90210” and “Party of Five” left the airwaves; however, Dawson’s Creek still remains.

Hollywood finally made a good movie based on a comic in “X-Men.” Yet Hollywood let us know that they’ll still crank out feces on film with “Coyote Ugly.”

In fashion, the `80s look started to make a comeback, which is good news for me. I’ve had enough of you `60s and `70s lovers. It’s my time now! We’re going to wear some decent clothes for a change.

Unworthy people got their fifteen minutes fame, like Darva “Who wants to be a media whore” Conger and Monica “insert old joke here” Lewinsky. Thankfully their time is over.

Professional wrestler Mick Foley (a.k.a. Mankind) became a best-selling author with his autobiography “Have a Nice Day” that he wrote by hand during a six week injury break from the WWF. If you haven’t read this book yet, you haven’t read anything all year.

We have Viagra, the potency pill for getting aroused. We also have RU-486, the abortion pill for when Viagra makes the man a bit too potent.

Gas prices went up thanks to OPEC’s decision to not raise production. The ratings of “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire” went down thanks to “Survivor.” America’s population got older as the baby boom population gets grayer. Our entreprenuers got younger as college students start web companies such as Napster. The rich got richer as AOL and Time Warner merged. And when the rich get richer, the poor get poorer.

And finally, to get a cheap cheer from my collegiant readers, a new batch of us turned 21 in the year 2000.

So enjoy Y2K while you can because it’s going to be over soon and enjoy Christmas or Chanukah or Kwanzaa or whatever you celebrate. And prepare yourself for 2001. I heard that’s when Judgment Day is coming.

Mike `80s Butler is Perspectives Editor of the Loquitur. He is also going to be in the Mr. Cabrini Pageant

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