by Michael A Kazanjian
A&E editor
Never before has an idea been so stupid. It’s a wonder that a moment like this isn’t enough to make the world shut down. We’re talking of course about freestyle walking, the idiot’s idea of a good time.
Imagine walking down the street. You’re minding your own business when out of nowhere someone comes running up from behind you leaps into the air, grabs his foot and lands on the ground with the look of victory beaming across his face. He throws his arms up in the air and screams “freestyle walking, hooooo!” Chances are this has never happened to you. Feel lucky. Extremely lucky.
So what’s the basic idea of freestyle walking? Well it’s making the best of what’s around. You see a rock to your left, run over, jump up on it, try spinning yourself around and than give yourself some points because you just made yourself look like a fool. But like most fools you had fun.
The concept of freestyle walking was developed not to long ago in high school halls across the country. Kids would be bouncing off lockers and teachers would be baffled. It actually made an appearance on a 1993 episode of 20/20. Hearing Hugh Downs discuss something so ridiculous is a whole other kind of treat.
You must be oozing with anticipation at this point. But what if freestyle walking was to take off? Instead of Tiger Woods being plastered on Wheaties boxes it was someone like Cabrini’s own loser freshman Bernie. If you don’t remember Bernie he appeared in issue 4 this year. Basically he’s an out-of-touch freshman trying to fit in. I can see it now.
“Bernie!Bernie!” screams a haggling reporter, “you just beat your own world record for freestyle walking, what do you plan to do now?” “I plan to go home, watch some TV.” He’s “America’s Sweetheart.”
What a wonderful world it would be if freestyle walking was able to elevate to such a level like that. It was John Lennon who said, “You may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one.” I think we all know what Lennon was really singing about and it wasn’t world peace. Until freestyle walking takes off we’re just left waiting for a savior like Bernie to arise. But don’t let the waiting stop you. Next time you’re strolling down the hall and you see a box just waiting to be jumped on, seize the day, the future is waiting.
