by Mike Kazanjian
A&E Editor
There is absolutely no reason on Earth that you should have to listen to a thing that I’m about to say. But, if you do choose to read on, good luck. This is a commentary, a small section on Loquitur where I rant on and on about something that I have stockpiled in the back of my mind. Truth be told, there isn’t all that much lurking in my head that I feel I must tell you about that you don’t already know. I won’t discuss housing, because honestly, who wants to hear about that again. I won’t talk about the most recent speaker who visited the college and I promise not to mention a single faculty member’s name. Instead, I’ll just tell you about the things that make me happy. I give you the 100 percent complaint-free guarantee.
The monte cristo sandwich from Bennigans. Even writing the name of this delectable sandwich makes me salivate like a dog under the dictatorship of Pavlov. If you haven’t had a monte cristo, you are truly missing out on the eighth wonder of the world. I must have eaten at least 20 of these sandwiches in my lifetime and each time it gets even more delicious. Deep-fried bread stuffed with ham, turkey and cheese topped with powdered sugar ready to be dipped in raspberry sauce. It comes in four pieces and easily contains at least 100 grams or better of ass-widening fat, but it’s worth it and that’s coming from a man who is obsessed with calorie counting. All this with a side of fries and you’ve had a tiny slice of heaven. I’ll let you in on a little secret: I just drooled all over my keyboard. I love that sandwich.
Next on my road to happiness is the Ab-Slide. OK, so I said I didn’t mind the countless calories that are soaked in the monte cristo, but I don’t want it to stay with me forever, especially bulging out over my belt. That’s why the Ab-Slide was one of the greatest presents I’ve ever received. Posed like a cat on all fours, arms reached out in front of me with my hands wrapped around those beautiful blue handlebars I’m ready to slide. The stretch in my stomach, the tightness in my arms, the vein popping out of my forehead as I slide down towards the floor, pure enjoyment. In just five minutes a day I’ll personally guarantee you results after about two weeks. I won’t reimburse you or anything if it fails, but the next time you see me in the halls feel free to flip me off or something, I’ll understand.
And last on my list is you. Yeah, you know who you are. Go ahead, smile for me, you’re number one in my book. Each time I think of you I experience a world of happiness even greater than that of my beloved monte cristo or Ab-Slide. There you go, a no complaints, no hassle commentary. Hope you enjoyed it.
