’80s picks a fight with a sacred book

By Mike Butler
November 9, 2000

I know it’s been two weeks since I last wrote a commentary, but have no fear. I have returned to provide my reading audience with the brash, abrasive commentary that people love me for, or at least that’s what I tell myself.

I wanted to do a commentary on the winner of the Presidential election, but the results came in after my deadline. So instead I’ve got this article that I’ve been sitting on for the past couple of weeks. It may be a bit dated but I think my ultimate message will still ring true.

I haven’t watched TV in over two months because I don’t have an antenna on the TV in my apartment and the cable installation fee is egregiously high for someone to just drive down to Cabrini and flip a switch. So I’m a bit out of the loop when it comes to current events and the latest pop culture crazes. Thankfully I have the internet so I’m not completely cut off from the world. On a visit to my favorite website, Seanbaby.com (the same website where I got last semester’s panda-porn story), I read an interesting story about a commercial that aired during the Summer Olympics (Yes, I know the Summer Games ended like a month ago. I already told you I was out of the loop.).

Nike ran an ad where middle-distance runner Suzy Hamilton (of ChapStik commerical fame) is in a cabin in the woods and gets attacked by a Jason-like psycho with a chainsaw. But Suzy, being the athlete that she is, eludes any harm by out-running the psycho who stops chasing after her, huddles over wheezing for air because he is out of shape and goes home. The tag-line to this commercial is “Why Sport? Because you’ll live longer.” So it’s a parody on slasher horror movies. Clever idea for a commercial, right? Not according to the hyper-sensitive.

Many women were outraged at this commercial because they felt that the ad was promoting violence against women. Nike was flooded with angry letters and E-mails the vast majority being from women. With all the controversy over the ad, NBC pulled it off of their Olympic coverage. I don’t know whether or not the commercial can still be seen on television, and that doesn’t matter to me that much considering I lack television watching capabilities.

But does matter is how our society gets offended and outraged at the drop of a hat over anything these days. Well, this recent incident was the last straw for me. I am sick of parents’ groups, teachers’ groups, women’s groups, men’s groups and mainly religious groups for going on the warpath when they don’t like something in the media, whether it be television, movies, music, or video games. When people think that a commercial about a woman using her athletic talent to escape a gruesome death at the hands of a chainsaw-wielding maniac is promoting violence toward women, then our world is in serious trouble. And so I must strike back with extreme prejudice against them. And I’m going to hit them where it hurts the most.

A good majority of these social crusaders are Christians. That’s not to say that other religions don’t take up arms against things they find offensive either, but I’m aiming for the biggest target here. Whether they be Catholic, Baptist, Lutheran, or whatever, Christians all have one thing that links them all together, something vital and essential to them.

I am calling for the banning of every edition of the Bible in all bookstores, libraries and schools. I find it offensive and it promotes violence. I now present to you specific examples to support my argument.

Example one: The story of David and Goliath. David slays Goliath by hitting him in the head with a rock. This is clearly promoting violence against tall people. It’s practically saying “Hit tall people in the head with rocks.”

Example two: The crucifixion of Jesus. This is some pretty graphic stuff right here. The scourging at the pillar, the crowning of thorns, the nailing to the cross, the spear in the side and then finally the death of Jesus. This is far more violent than anything on network TV or basic cable. What kind of effect do you think this graphic imagery has on kids? What happens if a child reads this? They could get the idea that they should gruesomely crucify people. And as you may not know, crucifixion is a horrible way to die.

Example three: Many groups that are against homosexuals claim that the Bible says that homosexuality is a sin and that those who commit homosexual acts will be thrown into hell. I did some research and found this to be true. It’s in the book of Romans. Sounds like the big book is promoting intolerance here, which inevitably leads to violence. And don’t even get me started on the Crusades. I could take up another page commenting on that.

Example four: The wedding at Cana. Jesus turns all the water into wine. Well, what about the people who didn’t want wine? The Bible is promoting alcoholism, which can lead to violence, namely domestic violence. And domestic violence is a huge issue with women’s groups.

Example five: The fourth commandment. Honor thy father and mother. What about if you have abusive parents? You’re not quite honoring your parents if you have them arrested for savagely beating you with a bag of oranges and for putting out their lit cigarettes on your face. So in essence, the Bible is telling people not to rat on their parents if they’re being abused, which is pretty much promoting child abuse.

These are just some basic examples of how offensive the Bible can be if you use the same logic that people used to get upset over the Nike ad. Scary, isn’t it? And as long as groups and organizations get upset over nothing and try to make decisions for me and the rest of the American public about what I can and cannot watch or listen to, then out of general principle I will continue to lobby for the banning of this so-called “Good Book.”

I would like to address the crusaders against things in the media that they don’t like. I know I’ve said this before, but repetition is the best way to penetrate thick skulls. Hey, it worked here at Cabrini during the September war. When a commercial or program shows up on your TV that you personally find offensive, CHANGE THE CHANNEL. When a movie comes out that has content you don’t agree with, DON’T PAY EIGHT BUCKS TO SEE IT. When a CD comes that contains lyrics you don’t like, DON’T BUY IT.

But I guess some people just want to feel righteous and so they want to “fight the good fight.” But I’ll take being intelligent over being righteous any day. I guess we don’t value intelligence as much as we used to.

Mike Butler

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