I was in the 7th grade when I started noticing the changes. I woke up every morning and hated what I saw in the mirror. I would look into the reflection and panic, wondering, “Oh god is that what others have to look at when they see me?”
Some days it was so upsetting that I would wake up hours in advance just to contemplate whether I had the confidence to go to school or not. And if I did, I would spend forever covering up with makeup and baggy clothes.
Between classes, I would stand in the bathroom picking at my skin, redoing my hair and readjusting my clothes so that my body was as covered as physically possible. I would make sure I walked on the right side of the wall so that nobody saw my “bad side.”
Out of fear that I would gain weight, my relationship with food became incredibly unhealthy. I would dedicate one day to binge and then not have an appetite for the rest of the week. Appearance was not the only reason I was afraid to gain weight.
Gaining weight meant shopping for new clothes, which is always a nightmare when you hate your body. I have spent far too much of my life crying in fitting room mirrors surrounded by clothes that looked pretty on the mannequin but repulsive on my figure.
Through all of this, I had convinced myself that my habits were merely normal teenage insecurity. It wasn’t until my health started declining that I knew something much more serious was going on.
My story is not an uncommon one. According to the International OCD Federation, Body Dysmorphic Disorder affects approximately one in every 50 people. This means that in the United States alone, more than five to seven million people suffer from BDD.
Body Dysmorphia can take many forms, but most commonly, it is defined as an obsessive preoccupation with one’s own flaws and often warrants one to take drastic measures to hide or fix these defects. One of the scariest parts of the disorder is that it can cause your brain to see things on your face and body that are not there. You look in the mirror only to see a distorted, unflattering caricature of yourself.
Looking back at old photographs is what finally made me see that the illusions were mostly all in my head. Thinking back on the flaws I remember seeing in the mirror, and to realize now that they were never there really startled me. I remember being a sophomore in high school and wondering why I was so fat. I recently saw a picture of me from that same summer, and you could clearly see my ribs because of how bad I had been starving myself. When you’re in the moment you feel that it is impossible for your own eyes to be deceiving you. However, with proper treatment and the emotional support of my loved ones, I was finally able to open my eyes.
There is no sole cause of Body Dysmorphia, and every story is unique. However, bullying, childhood neglect, body shaming and the unrealistic standards set by social media are just a few examples of things that may either trigger the onset of the disorder or worsen pre-existing symptoms.
Many people who suffer from BDD often develop Body Focused Repetitive Behaviors, or BFRB, according to Mental Health America. This can include behaviors such as skin picking, hair pulling, scratching, excessive grooming, and obsessive mirrir checking.
It is also possible that, if left untreated, BDD may become a gateway into other destructive behaviors. Those living with BDD often take extreme measures in an attempt to “fix” their flaws. This can result in the individual undergoing cosmetic surgery or developing other co-occurring disorders; anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, social anxiety.
If you or someone you know is showing the symptoms for Body Dysmorphic Disorder, it is possible to seek help. The two most effective treatments of BDD are cognitive-behavioral therapy and medication. Educating yourself of the warning signs is critical to acting early. Body Dysmorphic Disorder is not an issue of vanity but is a serious mental illness and should be treated with sensitivity and compassion.
Although I am much more accepting now than I was then, I’m not perfect and there are still days I catch myself saying mean things about myself. My best advice to anyone going through something similar is that you are not alone. You are beautiful in your own way and as cliche as it sounds, things always do get better.
