Nice try guys, lame lines don’t fly

By Lauren Reilly
February 19, 2004

Shawn Rice

I’m sure bad pick-up lines have been around since the beginning of time, but it makes me wonder if they have always been so pathetic. I don’t doubt that Adam tried to pull some “why don’t you taste my apples” or “I got a snake for you” lines on Eve, but you would think that by now the male population would have come up with some better ones.

These bad lines are something that I used to accept, but it all went down hill a few weekends ago when I was blindsided by what I could consider one of the worst lines ever. It started with harmless bickering over a friendly game of flip cup when this guy decided to take it to a new level. As I mumbled something about his mom, he said, “Why don’t we take this into the bedroom?” Are you serious? How about no. If you think that was going to turn the night into some sexual-get-some episode of “American Gladiators” then you are sorely mistaken.

Along with bad lines comes an array of typical behaviors that usually play a part in the rebuff. Take, for instance, the small-of-the-back move. If a girl is not interested, she fears the small-of-the-back move. You’ll be standing in a group of people when you feel it; the character next to you is slowly, but surely, placing his hand on the small of your back. All of a sudden you find yourself being needed elsewhere, like talking to some random person you’ve never seen in your life, or comforting the lush that’s been puking for hours. Is this supposed to make me think you’re a sensitive guy who likes long walks on the beach and listens to Beethoven while reading Plato’s theory of love, since it’s quite obvious that you really relate to rationality as passion? If I were you, I’d try guys, because it’s evident that your kind doesn’t catch on so fast.

Another tactic that I don’t understand is attempting to relocate the situation. I know you’re trying to be discreet, but sometimes it’s just outright ridiculous. “Let’s go into the hall” or “Let’s take a walk” seem to be the most common. Now, why would I want to do that? No one is in the hallway and I’ve spent a good portion of the evening trying to avoid you. I don’t know what’s worse, you thinking that I’m a moron or the fact that you feel you have a chance.

I think I speak for most people when I say that I don’t want to clog my cell phone with names of people that I’m never going to call. You want my number? It’s 555-hell no. Remember this, if I want to talk to you, I’ll give you my number, so don’t ask.

So ladies, who is falling for this stuff? I know someone must be since guys are still using these methods of seduction. If you think you’re doing men a favor by letting this slide, you’re wrong; all you’re doing is giving them false hopes and making us women look like idiots. It’s time to raise the bar and reject like you’ve never rejected before.

If it’s the alcohol that makes you so confident, drink less. I’m not going to knock you for trying, but find an appropriate middle ground between blatantly obvious and pitiful.

Posted to the Web by Shawn Rice

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Lauren Reilly

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