‘New study reveals that smoking cigarettes is healthy for babies’

By Christopher Ott
December 10, 2004

Cecelia Francisco

I was thumbing through “The Loquitur” last week, while smoking a delicious, seductive and fulfilling Camel Crema Exotic Blend Cigarette, when a story titled “Smokers Step Back” by Maria D’Alessandro caught my attention.

Little did I know that I was about to find out that I was weak-minded and wear a backpack for the sole purpose of transporting cigarettes. Smoking and congregating have gone hand-in-hand for centuries, and what better place to converse about classes than in front of Founder’s Hall. Not all who congregate in front of Founder’s Hall are smoking. Many are standing with friends who smoke. It is illogical to ask smokers to smoke thirty feet from Founder’s because the sidewalk is just as wide, thirty feet from the building. This means you would be walking through the same amount of smoke, just further down the steps.

I would also like to know who is blowing menthol cigarettes right in Maria’s face, and perhaps Maria should ask this particular smoker not to stand thirty centimeters from her, and blow smoke in her face.

I do not understand people who are concerned about the “smoke-out” and quitting cigarettes when they don’t even smoke. I also don’t understand how someone who walks by a smoker for two seconds would smell like a forest fire in their Journalism class. Maybe you should never walk behind a car that is running, because you will reek of carbon monoxide for the next two days.

I am so glad that there are people out there monitoring my health, but how come it is only when I smoke cigarettes? Oh yeah, because it gives you a sense of purpose and it’s trendy. Where were you when I had diarrhea, you should have told me to quit eating those burritos I am so addicted to.

What’s with all of these anti-smoking propaganda posters that feature some girl that’s bewildered, frightened and clenching her books while leaning on a locker? Does she have diarrhea too? If you do not understand that cigarettes have adverse effects on your health, then you do not belong in college.

On a more serious note I would like to take this time to talk about some of the forgotten joys of smoking. Remember that time you asked that girl for a light, and it was the first chance you got to talk to her. Or how about when you are stuffed, you got to have a cig?

When you’re starving, yep a cig will curb that too. What is better than hitting the open road on a road trip with a full tank of gas, some tunes, and a pack of smokes? Don’t forget when you were driving home late one evening and you started to fall asleep, who was there for you? Chain-smoking those cigarettes sure kept you awake, did they not? And what about that first cigarette of the day before a test or interview, didn’t it get your brain moving.

I say ask not what your cigarettes will do to you, rather ask what your cigarettes will do for you. Phew, all this writing is draining me, I think I need a coke and a smoke. I leave you with this quote, “Pal Mal-wherever particular people congregate.”

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Christopher Ott

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