Grab your shaft: it’s shower time

By John Holloway
April 28, 2005

Jess Webb / Photo Editor

Loquitur clears up email subscription error:
By mistake, an opinion piece meant as a personal opinion on the perspectives page was run as the top story. It is NOT a news story; it was merely one student’s opinion on an incident that occurred to him. Loquitur regrets the error and apologizes for the confusion. Mr. Holloway is not a member of the Loquitur staff.

Armed and dangerous, the Cabrini men’s lacrosse team guards their puny field, hurling rubber balls at cars and students trying to drive or walk by. After having a strenuous night of drinking and hanging out in the locker room, these guys try to unwind in their jock straps, grab their shafts, and toss the ball around for a while. By a matter of coincidence, an unlucky student decided to drive out one of the two exits on campus that happens to look over the field-hockey field, currently being used by the men’s lacrosse team. Had that student known the men’s lacrosse team had just realized how pointless their insignificant lives were, he may have chosen the main exit rather than the back. Bam-one ball hits the sport utility vehicle. Seconds later, a second ball barely misses him as he stops at the stop sign outside of Grace Hall.

When the student stopped on the fringe of the field to inquire about the attempt at his life, the men’s lacrosse team responded with laughs and four-letter words currently banned by the FCC. “Maybe you shouldn’t drive by when we practice,” a worn out athlete yells after his long walk from the Dixon Center.

I’m sorry sir, I thought that large, metal fence was enough to block the insane madmen from ripping shots 40 feet off target. But that obviously wasn’t meant for overthrown shots; the fence is meant to block the animals. Now I am insulting defenseless animals-I meant to say lunatics.

Typically I would apologize to the team for insulting them, but luckily the only member of the team that knows we have a school paper is Matt Campbell, and he is cool.

Having attended Cabrini for the past four years, I have interacted with most of the departments and clubs on campus in some way or another. Fortunately, I never had the pleasure of mingling, or shall I say grumbling, with the lacrosse heads. For some reason, I’m not down with swinging big sticks around with a bunch of guys and then showering together afterwards. I guess we have different interests.

I’m tired of these dubious ruffians thinking they can lay down the biz. They’re no more than a bunch of hacks, and can they croon? If there was any talent on the men’s lacrosse team, they wouldn’t be throwing balls over 20 foot fences and hitting cars-they might actually hit the net. Let’s face it, our lacrosse team is made up of a bunch of reject jocks who rode the bench in high school and are trying to re-live their glory days in a college only known to those who attend it. Division III teams are made up of the worst of the worst when it comes to men’s lacrosse. With a 7-4 record, these hotheads aren’t even the best of the worst. Their rank falls in between bad and really bad, and that isn’t very good.

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John Holloway

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