Mark GarlitBottles By: Lauren Reilly
Can you imagine a world without bottles? Can I get a hell no? It’s a well-known fact that bottles are better and anyone who disagrees can put a cork in it. Bottles show style and class, which is why you’ll never see this chick settle for anything less. The only can you’ll get out of me is the can of whoop ass that’s about to crush your argument.
When it comes to beverages, everything tastes better from the bottle. While bottled drinks are crisp and go down smooth, canned beverages always leave that I-think-I-just-ate-the-can taste in your mouth. With such stability and elegance, bottles make the shoddiest beverages sophisticated. For example, although Natural Lite may not be considered the most reputable draft, if one were to drink it from a bottle it becomes that much more respectable. You can look at that person and know that even though they may not be so financially inclined, they are able to recognize their priorities.
Bottles offer a security that deficient counterparts could only imagine. They have a dark, mysterious look about them, towering over cans that resent them for their strong, slim necks and delicate curves. When it comes to the physical inferiorities of a can, it’s safe to say that we can add the cap-envy complex to the tab. Recyclable? Yes. Resealable? I think not.
Let’s not forget about the importance of the grip. There’s nothing enticing about grasping a stout, aluminum piece of crap, whereas the bottle’s got some more junk in the trunk to hold onto. Plus, what kind of protection does a can have to offer in a bar fight?
I could really go for a can of water right now…what? Next time you go out to the Wine and Spirits Shoppe, would you pick me up a can of liquor? Oh wait, you can’t because that’s absolutely ridiculous.
When something’s in a can it loses its luster and can never live up to its potential. Do you think they make cans of Cristal? Bottles will always contain a substance of more significance, which is why you may have trouble finding that bottle of baked beans you’ve always wanted. Can you handle that? No really, can, you handle that processed food and leave the bottles for the finer things in life.
Antiquity also gives bottles more importance; you don’t see many people collecting antique soda cans, do you? In fact, bottles hold a much more aesthetic value as they are often collected and displayed by the masses in college dorms across the country. Do you know what a collection of cans is called? Trash.
In review, I’d like to say that you’re wrong. Can your paint, can your food, can your drinks too but cans aren’t for everything. Although you won’t comply, you can’t deny that the bottle makes it bling bling.
VS.
Cans By: John M. Holloway
Can anyone afford to slice his or her hand open? That’s what happens when you play with broken bottles. Cans are by far the best solution for holding any type of product for a long duration. Bottles are overrated, awkward and not safe for small children or drunken college students for that matter. I would rather be in a broken can fight, than a broken bottle fight.
It is commonly argued that most beverages taste better out of a bottle than the can. This is an old wives tale that people have been telling themselves since the beginning of time (or the beginning of bottles and cans). If you are that anal, open the can and pour it into a glass. By the way, Natural Lite (Natty) is not better in the bottle or the can, either way you look at it, it is still Natty.
Cans come in larger quantities than bottles. Any beer distributor carries 30 packs of almost every beverage. Bottles only have 24 packs. Cans are cheaper than bottles as well.
Removal of cans is simple and economically spacious. One can simply crush a can before throwing it away. When one is finished drinking a bottle of his or her favorite beverage, where do they dispose of it? In a trashcan. A trashcan that fits 20 empty bottles can hold up to 200 crushed cans.
Cans are specifically designed for storage purposes. It is easy to stack cans on top of each other to save space. Try stacking bottles and what happens when it knocks over? Lots of stitches. When shipping glass bottles, there will always be a few broken orders from mishandling the product. Has anyone ever encountered a shattered can?
The possibilities for cans are endless. We have canned paint, canned soup and canned tuna. Any food product can be canned for later use. In the event of a nuclear explosion cans will survive over bottles. When hiking, one can open a can of beans and heat it on the campfire. Most glass bottles are not allowed in hiking areas or public parks.
Cans are reusable as well. After using a can of paint, one can store nails or other household items in it. Coffee cans have lids and can be used as food-storage containers. All other cans can be ashtrays, paintbrush holders, vases and much more.
Here is something I can’t keep bottled up: So its time to open a can of worms. When one goes to the bathroom, they go to the can. One places waste in a trashcan. Many dancers dance the Can-Can. There are Mexicans, Dominicans, Canadians, and Africans. We vote for candidates some of whom are Republican. Now with all of these cans, one can’t pick bottles.
Posted to the Web by Mark Garlit
