A National Lampoon talent

By Joe Holden
November 15, 2001

Thanksgiving is already here. It’s the beginning of the greatest season of the entire year. Thanksgiving is the threshold of eating, decorating, visiting with family, crazy mall confrontations, school break and so much more.

I will begin fasting on Sunday in order to pack it all in on Thursday night.

Thanksgiving is the greatest holiday. Pack it in baby- all the food you can eat.

My brother was going to have his wisdom teeth pulled the day before this holiday. I counseled him out of that. He would have been at the mercy of good cranberries and split-pea soup.

The day after Thanksgiving is good for getting in that Christmas spirit. I get up early and get a start on wiring my house’s exterior with 11,000 clear Christmas lights. Each year I add more.

The sparkle my house gives off at night time is an expensive one. I avoid wondering what the amount of the energy bill is.

I also end up having to buy about 20 new sets each year because I always buy the cheap sets of lights from Kohl’s Department Store and they usually crap out after so many years. For two bucks, you get a strand of100 lights.

Avoid connecting more than three of those cheap light sets together. It can be horrendous trying to find the dumb set that decided to retire.

By the end of the day after Thanksgiving I have usually taken numerous spills off of ladders, been shocked and have severe frostbite. If you plan on decorating and you have had similarly bad luck, here are some tips to help.

Do not lean the ladder on a scrawny tree or a skinny wire. They are flexible, bones are not. If you have to lean out a window, make sure it doesn’t close while you’re under it. Use a broomstick or something. A heavy window leaning on your head can give you a stiff neck. Also, while you are leaning, make sure you have good balance.

Familiarize yourself with the circuit-breaker box. If you have hooked up the number of lights I have, you are familiar with tripping these suckers.

If you see exposed wires it’s better not to touch them.

When you get your Christmas tree, remember to carry it into your house from the base. If you pull it in though the tip of the tree, all of the needle fly off and the branches get bent for some reason.

Whatever you find yourself doing, remember to give thanks for the things you have.

Each Thanksgiving I give thanks for having made it through another National Lampoons decorating experience.

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Joe Holden

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